My heart is bad, my blood pressure is bad, i was taken off the track team, i am taken to the doctors like almost everyday--twice a week? medical doctors, then adding in therapy-- and I lose weight every visit. Yesterday, after losing about 6lbs since the first one (125lbs was my starting weight before anoxia, 85lbs is my lowest weight before i got caught) he got fed up and is making my mom make me eat three times a day no purging. I tried to purge last night after sushi and trailmix (homemade, so many calories i bet. my mom calls it unarexia mix) I sneaked my purge in my room in a cardboard box, which mum found... then we fought, before she found it. I was crying and she was telling me I was being stupid selfish and spoiled for refusing to eat. and she claims that she understands and has had anorexic tendencies when she was little b.s. so, anyways, sorry this is hard to get out and confusing. The doctor said i either eat or hospital. And if I am under 91 on Wednesday it's hospital (which won't happen since I am fucking 92 now). So basically last night was a disaster. I ate and sneaked my purge... i could only get a little out before my mom called me to come over to her room where she fed me unarexia mix... then when i was ready to go to sleep i started flipping out and she flipped out, hit me and smacked me around pulled my hair called me stupid, broke one of my scales and took the other one. she gave me it back this morning... when she broke my scale she found my box of purge.

now i'm fatter, 92lbs... and probably going to gain more.
for breakfast she made me eat cereal, i had a few bites before throwing it out and then she had me eat a piece of sushi and unarexia mix.... i had an appointment with my ed specialist and i stayed home from school today. I am in the car outside of our family bakery/deli/market (we have three stores lol)... i purged for a second when i went inside the house to get my computer but it's not all gone.

guys what do I do? I wanted to be 89 by april 17th i wanted to be 77 by may...

help, please, help.

I've been so depressed, I don't know what to do. I want suicide. But I can't leave my family... I'm 98lbs right now and I feel fat as ever. I'm so stressed. I can't do anything. I just want to be dead.

basically, I had the biggest binge today EVER. I hate myself, my life. I can't even contemplate what I ate.

tomorrow is a new day. No more shit. No food. If anything veggies and fruit. That's it. No more until I'm thin thin thin.

105lbs.

starting a fast tomorrow, going to try and make it last as log as I can.

I'm currently 104lbs.

I have been speaking on AIM with a few different girls and I have new plans. I am fasting with Losing2Me until March first and by then I plan to be 89lbs. That's four pounds a week, about... which honestly isn't bad at all. Should I slip up and binge--well, I won't. I'm honestly going to flat out refuse to eat shabbat dinner on fridays... My mother is taking me to see an eating disorder specialist on thursday anyways, so what's the point? I am my own person, I don't have to speak to her, I don't have to eat if I don't want to. That's that.

89lbs here I come.

ready, set, fast.

I effing lost a pound yesterday. How the HELL does that work?

Starting weight for this new fast

104lbs now, I suppose. weirdddd.

So my fast ended today with a wide-spread binge. Meaning I just ate a lot today. Purged everything.

So my fast was five days long, I lost about 5lbs. I probably gained a lot back today. Tomorrow I start another fast.

I start my new fast now, actually because today was yesterday and tomorrow is today... It's 1:46 am. aha.

starting weight for this fast 105lbs.

fast day four.

106lbs as of this morning.

I feel like a fat, worthless nothing.

I ate so much today I can't believe it. Binged on candy at the movies. Binged, binged, binged. It's like I was in a daze when I did it.

Starting tomorrow I'm doing a fast and I won't stop even for a nibble cheat, nothing. Only water, maybe jell-o, coffee, and low cal juice (like crystal light). This will go on for 40 days or unti I'm 97lbs. I'm probably 110 now from the binge of the last two days. I'm not even going to weigh myself.

SO, starting in fourty-five minutes is my 40 day fast.

I'll post every day in my journal to keep me up. One bite of anythign will mess it up.

ready, set, fast.

I messed it up today. Start over tomorrow.
No more bs, this is it for real.

Tomorrow is the first day of my sugar-free jell-o fast. I'm allowed the following
tea
water
crystal light
coffee
sugar-free jell-o, of course
and mints/gum.

So basically, I'm going to try and make this last ten days the very least. I so hope it works. I'm really, actually super stoked for this. I wonder how much weight I'll lose... Hmm.

Well, my starting weight is probably, just to be safe, 108lbs.

I'm going to not have anything else but water for the rest of tonight, maybe some jell-o after twelve if i feel i'm going to binge. but that's it.

tootles.

So, pretty much I failed. I ate today after exercising. I probably took back the calories I burned. Which wasn't very much. Just 500. I did an hour on the elliptical.

So, new idea, mates. Going to do all fruits and veggies. I don't know what to do on Sunday. Going to lunch with great aunt and uncle. I suppose I'll just have a salad and POSSIBLY a small piece of broiled fish. Then back to all fruits and veggies. Tomorrow I will have an orange for breakfast, baby carrots for lunch with MAYBE a v8, and salad for dinner.

I might have a waddajuice (50 calories for a bottle of the apple juice flavour)in the monring but I'm not sure. So tis my plan.

I am allowed unlimited fruits and veggies.

That's my new plan. I'll stick to it for as long as I can.

it's about 12:00 am. still awake. The liquid fast officially starts. I'm alowed the following:

tea

water

coffee

vitamin water--MAYBE

low cal broth

once in a while a starbucks treat

smoothies occasionally.

mints/candy-canes



wow can I spell or what? Just kidding.



soooo this will start and I'll break on Sunday when i go out to lunch with my great aunt and uncle because I have to. I'll just have salad. Then continue on for as long as I can.



Last time I weighed myself I was 107.... so that's my official starting weight, I suppose.



wish me luck and I'm off, like a rocket. woosh.



g'night for now. must sleep before school.

I ate today. An orange for breakfast... Then binge after school. What's wrong with me? So much. I purged. I won't have anything for the rest of today or tomorrow. That'll be it. I was talked to about taking modeling classes today... So That's another motive to lose more weight.

smile big.

I have been anorexic and bulimic for the past two years. I honesty don't want to get into details but I went from 125lbs to 85lbs then back up to 120lbs and to 102lbs to 107lbs where I stand now, horribly fat.



I hardly eat during the week, as it is I don't eat at all during the day yet tend to binge a bit late at night... and the weekends are just disturbing. I used to be such a good girl, never touching a morsel. I feel bad, like a worthless piece of shit. I also feel horrid that I want so much to be ill again. It’s twisted… But I need it so badly. I was so much happier before.

I have two reasons to send myself back down this path, again, and I know they will work. First, I have a reunion for jr. high coming at the end of January: last reunion I was 90lbs. People gave me strange looks but I don’t care. Number two, I sent in my resume to Disney channel. Hopefully I get an audition. If so, I’ll need to be slim.

Today felt weird, I was on the elliptical for an hour. It said I burned 600 calories…. Then I binged. All day non-stop nibbling on fruits, veggies, and then some other shit.

Starting now I’m on just water, coffee, low-cal drinks… Perhaps vitamin water, if I’m a good girl. Elliptical for an hour every day.

I have no school tomorrow. Snow day. Yay?

I can work on that math project.

Oh well, tootles for now.